For my acting class, we had to do a non-verbal self-presentation that was representative of who and where we are at this stage in our lives. We had to do this using some kind of general action demonstrating some kind of general metaphor. It took me a while to come up with something, and I changed my mind several times before finally settling on me walking around the room, looking at different things and starting down several paths before stopping, shooting a bored look, and walking back. Then I mimed going to sleep, waking up, and going through my “getting ready for school” routine, i.e., brushing my teeth, putting in my contacts, and putting on my clothes.
People generally got it right when they tried to explain what I was doing. There were a few specific things they missed or mis-assumed, but for the most part, they got it right.
Right now, I’m not sure what I want to do. With my life. With my self. With my days. It seems like each week, I change my mind about what I want to do as a career, whether I want to go to grad school, for what, where I want to live in a year and a half, and everything else. I came here so sure that I wanted to teach English and do High School theatre and live close to home and make a big change in the education system and cause a huge splash sending huge ripples through the world. And now, I’m not sure.
I’ve started down so many paths, even over the last year, and each time, I turn back and come back to the clearing, looking around for which one to choose next, for which one will be the right one, and for which one will bring some goddamned meaning to my life and give me some kind of purpose for being here.
And now I’m back in the clearing.
For a while, I’ve felt this general sense of detachment from anything and everything. I don’t feel attached, emotionally, physically, mentally, to anything, and that bothers me. I don’t feel emotionally attached to any one person. I don’t feel attachment to things. I don’t feel attachment to hobbies. Even the things that I generally love, like writing and theatre and Senate, I don’t feel really attached to right now, and it’s sucking the goddamn passion from the things that made me who I am. It’s like, to use attachment literally, I’m floating and looking for something – regardless of what it is - to weight me down so I can at least see things more clearly.
And so, since I’m not attached to anything, I go through routines – something, I might add, I swore never to do.
Heidegger and Sartre’s idea of human existence was that human nature was divided in two: a side that exists to fulfill our basic needs and desires, and a conscious, reflective side that is constantly working to achieve some grand vision of what our lives are adding up to. We’re always reflecting on our aspirations, what we could be, what we could do, and what we could have, regardless of what we do. We’re always seeking something else, something better, something different. Where I am right now, all of this makes unbelievably lucid sense.
I guess I just feel like I need to commit myself to something, whether it’s writing, theatre, politics, Senate, or, God forbid, even a person. Maybe that’ll bring some kind of clarity, even if it is temporary. Because living in this constant floating tension is just draining me.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Reflections on MLK day
Well, today is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and after attending some of the various speakers that Mount Union had on campus, I got to thinking about him and what he did.
Martin Luther King Jr. died for what he believed in. So did Malcolm X. So did Nathan Hale, excuted by the British during the American Revolution, but not before uttering from the gallows the now famous line, “I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.” This line, upon research, was inspired from the play Cato by Joseph Addison. The line from the play reads “How beautiful is death, when earn’d by virtue! / Who would not be that youth? What pity is it / That we can die but once to serve our country.”
How beautiful is death, when earn’d by virtue.
All of this got me to thinking. These men are famous because they died for something. They died, whether by execution or assassination, for causes which they believed in so passionately that they were prepared to give their lives for them. And here I am, 21 years old, and I don’t really feel like I have anything I’m willing to die for. Maybe that’s good, and maybe that’s tragic… I don’t really know.
I guess that the underlying problem here is that I think that I would be willing to fight and die for America’s ideals – the principles and ideas upon which this country was founded. The principles of freedom and liberty. The principle of opportunity. The principle that anyone can start with nothing and make something out of it. Can make a life. Can make a family. Can make a fortune, if that’s what they want. Unfortunately, I think that we’ve gotten too far from those ideals.
I love my country, and I am proud to be an American, but not in that redneck-country music-gun toting-warmongering-put 10 flags in front of my house kind of way. I’m proud to be an American because of what America is supposed to stand for. I’m proud to be an American in a “Give me your tired, your poor / Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, / The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. / Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, / I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” kind of way. I’m proud to be an American in a “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” kind of way. And I’m proud to be an American in a “Give me liberty or give me death” kind of way.
So what happened here? Looking back on these words, the current state of things is fucking depressing. I do love my country, but I’m not completely sure that I’m ready and willing to die for it as it is. I don’t want to die for a country where the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer and the middle class doesn’t give enough shits to do anything about it. I don’t want to die for a country where people are all too willing to defend their own stupid freakin’ rights while at the same time being all too willing to take them away from others. I don’t want to die for a country where the government primarily serves itself, rather than the people who depend on it for their opportunity.
I guess the point of all of this is that I want to live in a country where I love it so much that I am willing to fight and die for it.
One of the most oft-quoted lines from Ghandi is that “You must be the change you wish to see in the world,” and I used to believe so passionately that one person – any person – could be and make that kind of change. But I’m not so sure anymore. Martin Luther King Jr. certainly did it. Can I?
I like to believe so.
Martin Luther King Jr. died for what he believed in. So did Malcolm X. So did Nathan Hale, excuted by the British during the American Revolution, but not before uttering from the gallows the now famous line, “I only regret that I have but one life to give for my country.” This line, upon research, was inspired from the play Cato by Joseph Addison. The line from the play reads “How beautiful is death, when earn’d by virtue! / Who would not be that youth? What pity is it / That we can die but once to serve our country.”
How beautiful is death, when earn’d by virtue.
All of this got me to thinking. These men are famous because they died for something. They died, whether by execution or assassination, for causes which they believed in so passionately that they were prepared to give their lives for them. And here I am, 21 years old, and I don’t really feel like I have anything I’m willing to die for. Maybe that’s good, and maybe that’s tragic… I don’t really know.
I guess that the underlying problem here is that I think that I would be willing to fight and die for America’s ideals – the principles and ideas upon which this country was founded. The principles of freedom and liberty. The principle of opportunity. The principle that anyone can start with nothing and make something out of it. Can make a life. Can make a family. Can make a fortune, if that’s what they want. Unfortunately, I think that we’ve gotten too far from those ideals.
I love my country, and I am proud to be an American, but not in that redneck-country music-gun toting-warmongering-put 10 flags in front of my house kind of way. I’m proud to be an American because of what America is supposed to stand for. I’m proud to be an American in a “Give me your tired, your poor / Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, / The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. / Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, / I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” kind of way. I’m proud to be an American in a “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” kind of way. And I’m proud to be an American in a “Give me liberty or give me death” kind of way.
So what happened here? Looking back on these words, the current state of things is fucking depressing. I do love my country, but I’m not completely sure that I’m ready and willing to die for it as it is. I don’t want to die for a country where the rich keep getting richer and the poor keep getting poorer and the middle class doesn’t give enough shits to do anything about it. I don’t want to die for a country where people are all too willing to defend their own stupid freakin’ rights while at the same time being all too willing to take them away from others. I don’t want to die for a country where the government primarily serves itself, rather than the people who depend on it for their opportunity.
I guess the point of all of this is that I want to live in a country where I love it so much that I am willing to fight and die for it.
One of the most oft-quoted lines from Ghandi is that “You must be the change you wish to see in the world,” and I used to believe so passionately that one person – any person – could be and make that kind of change. But I’m not so sure anymore. Martin Luther King Jr. certainly did it. Can I?
I like to believe so.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Blogger copycatting while waiting to go get some food
- Four jobs you've had in your life:
- Maintenance Man, Supportive Services Inc.
- Sales Associate/Paper & Chemicals stock boy/general indentured help, Wal-Mart
- Mental Health Associate II, Supportive Services Inc.
- Assistant to Mount Union’s English Department
- Four movies you could watch over and over:
- The Royal Tenenbaums
- Garden State
- High Fidelity
- The Shawshank Redemption
- Four places you've lived:
- Beaver Falls, PA
- Alliance, OH
- In Jesse’s Basement (practically)
- Four TV shows you love to watch:
- Lost
- The West Wing
- Iron Chef America
- Seinfeld
- Four places you've been on vacation:
- Ocean City, MD
- Gettysburg, PA
- Geneva-on-the-lake, OH
- Washington DC
- Four websites you visit daily:
- Four of your favorite foods:
- Lasagna
- Fettucini Alfredo
- Mozzarella Sticks
- Pomegranites
- Four places you'd rather be:
- Italy
- NYC
- Someplace warm
- Somewhere with food
- Four albums you can't live without: At the moment:
- Duncan Sheik – Daylight
- Dave Matthews Band – Listener Supported
- Coldplay – X&Y
- Beck – Mutations
- Four people tagged next: Don’t know enough people who blog/care.
News in light of The West Wing
As involved and interested as I am in politics, it’s kind of surprising that I had never gotten into The West Wing until the past Christmas break. I bought the Season 1 DVD set for my mom, and started watching it after I finished the full first season of Lost (another show which I’ll hopefully write about soon).
One of the things that I particularly like about The West Wing, other than its brilliant writing and liberal politics, which are often blatant but sometimes subtle, is how it shows, with much realism, the inner workings of the White House. Sure, it’s TV and some of the issues are sensationalized. That’s to be expected. But a lot of it is true.
That’s why, when reading the news for today and seeing the headline “Laura Bush Backs Domestic Spying Program” I (a) wasn’t surprised and (b) thought immediately of an episode from Season 1 of the West Wing where the first lady leaks her preference for an appointment to the Federal Reserve Board, causing a shitstorm of havoc for the White House Staffers who have to deal with it.
One of the greatest things about The West Wing is that it shows exactly how the White House works in our state of modern politics. The importance isn’t really on what or how a decision is made, but rather that everyone lines up behind that decision, whether they agree or not.
Granted, there has been fire from both sides over the Domestic Spying issue. Sen. Specter has recently come out expressing his skepticism, and he’s joining a number of other high-profile Republicans (including, interestingly enough, Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas, one of the more conservative members of Congress) who are questioning the legality of the program. But imagine if Laura Bush, or any of the top White House Aides to the President came out with anything less than full support. It’d shake up and tear everything down, and the administration would likely fall apart.
Of course, this also points out a big weakness in our system as it is: that independent thought takes a back seat to following in line.
The words of Ben Franklin ring eerily true in these times: “They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security.”
Will people get what they deserve? Or will things make a change for the better? Only time will tell, I guess.
One of the things that I particularly like about The West Wing, other than its brilliant writing and liberal politics, which are often blatant but sometimes subtle, is how it shows, with much realism, the inner workings of the White House. Sure, it’s TV and some of the issues are sensationalized. That’s to be expected. But a lot of it is true.
That’s why, when reading the news for today and seeing the headline “Laura Bush Backs Domestic Spying Program” I (a) wasn’t surprised and (b) thought immediately of an episode from Season 1 of the West Wing where the first lady leaks her preference for an appointment to the Federal Reserve Board, causing a shitstorm of havoc for the White House Staffers who have to deal with it.
One of the greatest things about The West Wing is that it shows exactly how the White House works in our state of modern politics. The importance isn’t really on what or how a decision is made, but rather that everyone lines up behind that decision, whether they agree or not.
Granted, there has been fire from both sides over the Domestic Spying issue. Sen. Specter has recently come out expressing his skepticism, and he’s joining a number of other high-profile Republicans (including, interestingly enough, Sen. Sam Brownback of Kansas, one of the more conservative members of Congress) who are questioning the legality of the program. But imagine if Laura Bush, or any of the top White House Aides to the President came out with anything less than full support. It’d shake up and tear everything down, and the administration would likely fall apart.
Of course, this also points out a big weakness in our system as it is: that independent thought takes a back seat to following in line.
The words of Ben Franklin ring eerily true in these times: “They who would give up an essential liberty for temporary security, deserve neither liberty or security.”
Will people get what they deserve? Or will things make a change for the better? Only time will tell, I guess.
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