I don't know what was with me when I woke up.

I might have been dreaming about something. All I know is that I woke up feeling generally uneasy and disappointed. I hope that doesn't set the tone for the day, but so far, so good.

Today, I feel like a high tension electrical wire, and fully charged. I'm not sure what feeling it is, but it feels like a combination of tension, anxiety, and nervousness. I don't usually get ilke this, and it is kind of scary. The feeling surges throughout my body, and I literally can feel it resounding in my chest cavity and moving through my appendages - fingers, toes, head, lips, everything. It's like a tingling, numb feeling. My heart feels like it's beating very fast. I feel like I'm full of electricity. Maybe it's the strong coffee that I drank this morning. Then again, maybe it's a heart attack. In more senses of the word than just the medical condition.

I don't know. I'm just trying to take this as it comes, but it is tough, and I am having trouble. It really does help me though to write everything that I'm feeling here. If I seem redundant, then too bad. Stop reading.

I think I'm in the middle of a full-blown, Kierkegaardian existential crisis, at least to my understanding of it. More to come about this later.

A.

How depressing is it when you wake up with just an overall sense of down-ness, like you have a lot of different scenarios in which you'll be happy, but you're not quite sure that none of them are ever going to work out the way you want them to?

I feel like I'm losing confidence.

Well the night does funny things inside a man, these old tomcat feelings you don't understand.

From Total Eclipse, by Annie Dillard:

“The clamoring mind and heart stilled, almost indifferent, certainly disembodied, frail, and exhausted.”

“The mind wants to live forever, or to learn a very good reason why not. The mind wants the world to return its love, or its awareness; the mind wants to know all the world, and all eternity, and God. The mind’s sidekick, however, will settle for two eggs over easy.”

Today, was, for the most part, fairly unremarkable - at least in comparison to the past several days.

For the most part, it was similar to yesterday: ups, downs, and an unhealthy amount of confusion about my life, my wants, my desires, and my needs. Rehearsals are going progressively better - tonight's rehearsal was the best we've done, and I think that most of us are having a blast. I am, at least.

After rehearsal, I went over to the theatre house to hang out and play cards. That's basically all that we did, and it was nice to relax and just hang out, even though I had stuff to do. I was there until around 1:00 when I decided that responsibility, while able to be postponed, unfortunately cannot always be entirely erased and ignored.

I took a pretty long shower, and I'm pretty sure that I spaced out for a good portion of it. I was thinking about a lot of things, and, as I'm sure you'll guess, my answers remain absent. Times like this frustrate me more than just about anything else.

I think that a large part of what I'm feeling is the sense of detachment that comes with any breakup, but is probably more noticable in a breakup after a long relationship. It's like, for the past 3 1/2 years, you've felt this bond, this sense of attachment, this closeness to another person. Then, with 6 short words ("I think we need a break,") it's gone. The love (presumably) is still there, but the ties are cut. The bonds are either dissolved or weakened to the point of invisibility. I don't know if this is just me or not. I imagine that there are others with the same feelings, but like I said, I don't know.

I have also been thinking about what it is that causes us to feel this need to have at least some semblance of emotional attachment to another person. Is it human nature? Is it, like many cliché sayings go and many writers theorize, that we are by nature incomplete, and we spend a large part of our life, a great deal of our energy, and much emotional anguish seeking our "other half"? Or do we just need someone to relate to, to talk to, to comfort, and to comfort us? Of course, we need others to ensure the continuation of our species, but the bonds that are formed and the needs that are fulfilled, in my opinion, run much deeper than that. At any rate, I don't know, and therefore, I speculate just as much as everyone else on the planet who has, at one point or another, had these same thoughts.

I will say, and I hope this is true, that I think things are getting better. However, as Bob Dylan says, "The times, they are a-changing." I can't argue with the man.

A.

Sing and dance I play for you tonight, the thrill of it all. Dark clouds may hang on me sometimes, but I work it out.

Seinfeld Wisdom:

Jerry: Elaine, breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push. You have to rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.
George: ... That is beautiful.

Today was a strange day, but lately, that seems to be the norm, doesn't it? Mostly up, but a few down points. Still a lot of confusion.

I skipped my first class because I woke up and wasn't feeling too hot, so I went back to sleep for an additional hour. It's almost show week, and the last thing that I want right now is to be getting sick. At any rate, the extra hour of sleep was nice, even if it meant that my day was "Price"less.

I missed Dr. Price's class.

That does kind of upset me, because I generally enjoy his classes. I feel like I learn a lot in them.


I don't know if it was the extra hour of sleep or what, but all day long, I had a very high level of energy and general happiness. I felt giddy for most of the day, and rehearsal was amazing. I love when a show is coming together, and this one is coming together very nicely. Also, I feel like I'm getting to know more of the cast, and that's always nice as well.

I've been feeling generally confused about my relationship situation.
I don't know what I want. I don't know whether I want to go back or not. I know all of this sounds very teenage angst-y, and I wish it didn't, but quite frankly, I don't know how I do/should feel coming off of a relationship of 3 1/2 years.

I don't think that at this point, I want to "see other people," but what I do feel like I want to do is to go out and meet someone new that I can just talk to. I'm very aware that I'm "on the rebound" so to speak, and therefore I'm very wary about any kind of relationship. I don't think that I'm ready for a new relationship, and like I've said a million times before, I don't know if that's what I want. But I do think that it would be nice to just go out and talk to someone and get to know someone new. Just make small talk and chat, that's all. I don't even care if it goes anywhere, and I'm not sure that I want it to. I just want to have fun.

Summary: I have no idea what I want.

Other than classes and Pirates of Penzance, there isn't really much else going on. I'm ready for the weekend. I'm hoping that I'll be able to hang out with the cast some more this weekend. One of the things that I have always loved about doing a show is the bond that forms between the cast. It is, in fact, quite a strong bond, and it has happened in every show that I've ever done, from 8th grade when I was in MASH and 42nd Street to today, 7 years later. Every cast, over the course of the time spent blocking, rehearsing, polishing, and performing, becomes a family. Every cast, in my experience at least, has been unforgettable.

That's all for now.

Ta,
A.

Nobody's up except the moon and me, and a lazy old tomcat on a midnight spree.

From Women and Honor: Some Notes on Lying by Adrienne Rich:

"Men have been expected to tell the truth about facts, not about feelings. They have not been expected to talk about feelings at all.

Yet even about facts they have continually lied."

"An honorable human relationship - that is, one in which two people have the right to use the word, "love" - is a process, delicate, violent, often terrifying to both persons involved, a process of refining the truths they can tell each other.

It is important to do this because it breaks down human self-delusion and isolation.

It is important to do this because in so doing we do justice to our own complexity.
It is important to do this because we can count on so few people to go that hard way with us."

Today I was planning on waking up around 10:00 so that I could do some reading for Politics of the Former Soviet Union before class. However, after banging my alarm clock(s) to silence multiple times, I slept until the latest possible moment before waking up. Therefore, at 11:35 I was scrambling to get dressed for my 11:45 class. Hence, I wore a hat all day.

During class, I was having a difficult time paying attention. My skin felt strange, almost like it was "crawling," for lack of a better and less cliché term. I felt restless, uneasy, and fidgety. I couldn't think. I felt like I had lost motivation.

I knew that I would get over it, but I hate the feeling regardless. The feeling of apathy, of contempt, of disappointment.

I had been planning on either going to campus grounds for lunch, or going alone, as Kindall and I usually went to lunch together on Tuesdays and Thursdays. As I was walking out of class, she called my cell phone, and it was only by sheer chance that I had just stuck my hand into my jacket pocket to look for my keys and felt my phone vibrating. She asked if I wanted to go to lunch. I said that I guessed so.

Things were kind of cold for a while. Tension.

We started talking. After lunch, we went back to her room and talked some more. We talked about everything that had been bothering both of us, and everything that was going to have to take place in order for our relationship to ever work. In short, we actually had a civil discussion where each of us saw the other's side without arguing it or getting defensive. In short, we did exactly what I had suggested we do as an alternative to the break/break-up.

But I am not claiming a victory. Rather, the contrary. Had we not broken up/been on a break, I don't think that this talk would have been possible. So let this be my admission that I was Wrong. Had we still been officially "dating" and tried to have that talk, we both would have been defensive and stubborn. We even talked politics, so something must have been going right.

At any rate, savor that admission, because it doesn't come very often.

On another note, rehearsal tonight went very well. We are getting to the point in any show where three fundamental things are happening:

• Everything is coming together, things are getting cleaned up, and the show is turning into a show
• Some people are getting sick of other people, because the show is stressing them out
• Everyone is starting to actually get to know the rest of the cast, and we're forming a special kind of bond that only happens in theatre. Suffice it to say, we're actually starting to have fun with it.

The cast is amazing, and I'm having an amazing time. This is the first show I've done in a little under 2 years, and oh, how I've missed it.

With that said, it's time to hit the bed.

Adieu.

A.

And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide.

Well, I suppose this is my first real post here. I've used Livejournal (off and on) since 2001. Why'd I switch over? Who knows. Maybe it's because it looks like there are more features at this site for free. I like that I can use my cell phone to make voice posts. Maybe I just needed a change. We'll see whether I decide to stick around here, or go back to livejournal.

What can you expect to read, provided anyone does? Most likely nothing but the ramblings of a 20-something currently in college. Most likely poetry, prose, fiction, essays, and political ravings. Maybe I'll post some songs, if I can figure it out. Basically, whatever I want.

So anyways, I suppose the most pressing news that I have to write about, for those of you who don't already know, is that Kindall and I, after over 3 1/2 years have broken up. I don't know if it's a break up or a break, and honestly, it's hard to say how this will turn out. She says it's a break. She says that she isn't happy and just needs some time. If that's the case, so be it. I will admit that our relationship has been riddled with problems as of late, and some of the problems run so far back that they may in fact be unfixable without an incredibly demanding amount of work. I was willing to make it work, but she has more pressing commitments and responsibilities. I guess, in a lot of ways, I can't blame her. We've both wronged each other more than we'd ever admit, and as much as I hoped (and still do) that things would work out, I simply don't believe that they will without some drastic changes.

I do want to say that I can see her reasoning, and I don't harbor any hard feelings. Maybe the break will solve the problems we've been having, and maybe it won't. It wasn't my preferred method of fixing what was wrong, but it was out of my hands. At any rate, I don't want this to devolve into a situation where we hate/loathe/detest each other.

All day, I have been in a very weird and difficult state, due to the situation. My emotions have run the gamut, so to speak. They go from a kind of depression and sadness at the loss, to a happiness at the freedom, to a kind of emptiness and not knowing what to think, to a sheer apathy and indifference. I've talked about how I feel to just about everyone who would listen today, and everyone has been very understanding and supportive. I hate feeling like I'm just trying to evoke sympathy and pity from everyone, but talking really does help me get through what I'm feeling and start to move on, if that's what I'm going to need to do. I don't even know. I don't know what I want out of this (or any) relationship, or if there is, in fact, anything to be salvaged. I had faith that everything would work out while we were together, but now, I feel a sense of uncertainty - uncertainty about what will happen, and uncertainty about what I want to happen. Maybe after this break, I'll realize that what I want is to part ways. It's too early to tell.

I had a very nice conversation with Amanda earlier. For those of you who may not know, Amanda was the first girl that I ever dated in any serious manner. For all of the shit that I put her through, she still listened to me and talked to me today, and it helped me so much. I really feel that it doesn't matter how long we go without talking, we can just resume at any time.

In other news, I have decided to live in the theatre house next year. I thought it over, weighed all of the options, and decided that this is what I really wanted for myself. Anyways, it's official. I signed the papers tonight, so there's no backing out now.

At any rate, I haven't been able to concentrate tonight. I blankly read through a chapter of Russian politics before resolving to try to read the second chapter in the morning before class, provided that I wake up with enough time to get it done.

I think I'm going to head off to bed now. Here's to hoping that tomorrow will be better than today. Not just for me... for everyone.

Cheers,
A.