And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide.

Well, I suppose this is my first real post here. I've used Livejournal (off and on) since 2001. Why'd I switch over? Who knows. Maybe it's because it looks like there are more features at this site for free. I like that I can use my cell phone to make voice posts. Maybe I just needed a change. We'll see whether I decide to stick around here, or go back to livejournal.

What can you expect to read, provided anyone does? Most likely nothing but the ramblings of a 20-something currently in college. Most likely poetry, prose, fiction, essays, and political ravings. Maybe I'll post some songs, if I can figure it out. Basically, whatever I want.

So anyways, I suppose the most pressing news that I have to write about, for those of you who don't already know, is that Kindall and I, after over 3 1/2 years have broken up. I don't know if it's a break up or a break, and honestly, it's hard to say how this will turn out. She says it's a break. She says that she isn't happy and just needs some time. If that's the case, so be it. I will admit that our relationship has been riddled with problems as of late, and some of the problems run so far back that they may in fact be unfixable without an incredibly demanding amount of work. I was willing to make it work, but she has more pressing commitments and responsibilities. I guess, in a lot of ways, I can't blame her. We've both wronged each other more than we'd ever admit, and as much as I hoped (and still do) that things would work out, I simply don't believe that they will without some drastic changes.

I do want to say that I can see her reasoning, and I don't harbor any hard feelings. Maybe the break will solve the problems we've been having, and maybe it won't. It wasn't my preferred method of fixing what was wrong, but it was out of my hands. At any rate, I don't want this to devolve into a situation where we hate/loathe/detest each other.

All day, I have been in a very weird and difficult state, due to the situation. My emotions have run the gamut, so to speak. They go from a kind of depression and sadness at the loss, to a happiness at the freedom, to a kind of emptiness and not knowing what to think, to a sheer apathy and indifference. I've talked about how I feel to just about everyone who would listen today, and everyone has been very understanding and supportive. I hate feeling like I'm just trying to evoke sympathy and pity from everyone, but talking really does help me get through what I'm feeling and start to move on, if that's what I'm going to need to do. I don't even know. I don't know what I want out of this (or any) relationship, or if there is, in fact, anything to be salvaged. I had faith that everything would work out while we were together, but now, I feel a sense of uncertainty - uncertainty about what will happen, and uncertainty about what I want to happen. Maybe after this break, I'll realize that what I want is to part ways. It's too early to tell.

I had a very nice conversation with Amanda earlier. For those of you who may not know, Amanda was the first girl that I ever dated in any serious manner. For all of the shit that I put her through, she still listened to me and talked to me today, and it helped me so much. I really feel that it doesn't matter how long we go without talking, we can just resume at any time.

In other news, I have decided to live in the theatre house next year. I thought it over, weighed all of the options, and decided that this is what I really wanted for myself. Anyways, it's official. I signed the papers tonight, so there's no backing out now.

At any rate, I haven't been able to concentrate tonight. I blankly read through a chapter of Russian politics before resolving to try to read the second chapter in the morning before class, provided that I wake up with enough time to get it done.

I think I'm going to head off to bed now. Here's to hoping that tomorrow will be better than today. Not just for me... for everyone.

Cheers,
A.