Well the night does funny things inside a man, these old tomcat feelings you don't understand.

From Total Eclipse, by Annie Dillard:

“The clamoring mind and heart stilled, almost indifferent, certainly disembodied, frail, and exhausted.”

“The mind wants to live forever, or to learn a very good reason why not. The mind wants the world to return its love, or its awareness; the mind wants to know all the world, and all eternity, and God. The mind’s sidekick, however, will settle for two eggs over easy.”

Today, was, for the most part, fairly unremarkable - at least in comparison to the past several days.

For the most part, it was similar to yesterday: ups, downs, and an unhealthy amount of confusion about my life, my wants, my desires, and my needs. Rehearsals are going progressively better - tonight's rehearsal was the best we've done, and I think that most of us are having a blast. I am, at least.

After rehearsal, I went over to the theatre house to hang out and play cards. That's basically all that we did, and it was nice to relax and just hang out, even though I had stuff to do. I was there until around 1:00 when I decided that responsibility, while able to be postponed, unfortunately cannot always be entirely erased and ignored.

I took a pretty long shower, and I'm pretty sure that I spaced out for a good portion of it. I was thinking about a lot of things, and, as I'm sure you'll guess, my answers remain absent. Times like this frustrate me more than just about anything else.

I think that a large part of what I'm feeling is the sense of detachment that comes with any breakup, but is probably more noticable in a breakup after a long relationship. It's like, for the past 3 1/2 years, you've felt this bond, this sense of attachment, this closeness to another person. Then, with 6 short words ("I think we need a break,") it's gone. The love (presumably) is still there, but the ties are cut. The bonds are either dissolved or weakened to the point of invisibility. I don't know if this is just me or not. I imagine that there are others with the same feelings, but like I said, I don't know.

I have also been thinking about what it is that causes us to feel this need to have at least some semblance of emotional attachment to another person. Is it human nature? Is it, like many cliché sayings go and many writers theorize, that we are by nature incomplete, and we spend a large part of our life, a great deal of our energy, and much emotional anguish seeking our "other half"? Or do we just need someone to relate to, to talk to, to comfort, and to comfort us? Of course, we need others to ensure the continuation of our species, but the bonds that are formed and the needs that are fulfilled, in my opinion, run much deeper than that. At any rate, I don't know, and therefore, I speculate just as much as everyone else on the planet who has, at one point or another, had these same thoughts.

I will say, and I hope this is true, that I think things are getting better. However, as Bob Dylan says, "The times, they are a-changing." I can't argue with the man.

A.