Detached

For my acting class, we had to do a non-verbal self-presentation that was representative of who and where we are at this stage in our lives.  We had to do this using some kind of general action demonstrating some kind of general metaphor.  It took me a while to come up with something, and I changed my mind several times before finally settling on me walking around the room, looking at different things and starting down several paths before stopping, shooting a bored look, and walking back.  Then I mimed going to sleep, waking up, and going through my “getting ready for school” routine, i.e., brushing my teeth, putting in my contacts, and putting on my clothes.

People generally got it right when they tried to explain what I was doing.  There were a few specific things they missed or mis-assumed, but for the most part, they got it right.

Right now, I’m not sure what I want to do.  With my life.  With my self.  With my days.  It seems like each week, I change my mind about what I want to do as a career, whether I want to go to grad school, for what, where I want to live in a year and a half, and everything else.  I came here so sure that I wanted to teach English and do High School theatre and live close to home and make a big change in the education system and cause a huge splash sending huge ripples through the world.  And now, I’m not sure.

I’ve started down so many paths, even over the last year, and each time, I turn back and come back to the clearing, looking around for which one to choose next, for which one will be the right one, and for which one will bring some goddamned meaning to my life and give me some kind of purpose for being here.

And now I’m back in the clearing.

For a while, I’ve felt this general sense of detachment from anything and everything.  I don’t feel attached, emotionally, physically, mentally, to anything, and that bothers me.  I don’t feel emotionally attached to any one person.  I don’t feel attachment to things.  I don’t feel attachment to hobbies.  Even the things that I generally love, like writing and theatre and Senate, I don’t feel really attached to right now, and it’s sucking the goddamn passion from the things that made me who I am.  It’s like, to use attachment literally, I’m floating and looking for something – regardless of what it is - to weight me down so I can at least see things more clearly.

And so, since I’m not attached to anything, I go through routines – something, I might add, I swore never to do.
Heidegger and Sartre’s idea of human existence was that human nature was divided in two:  a side that exists to fulfill our basic needs and desires, and a conscious, reflective side that is constantly working to achieve some grand vision of what our lives are adding up to.  We’re always reflecting on our aspirations, what we could be, what we could do, and what we could have, regardless of what we do.  We’re always seeking something else, something better, something different.  Where I am right now, all of this makes unbelievably lucid sense.

I guess I just feel like I need to commit myself to something, whether it’s writing, theatre, politics, Senate, or, God forbid, even a person.  Maybe that’ll bring some kind of clarity, even if it is temporary.  Because living in this constant floating tension is just draining me.