¿Yo que te quiero tanto, que voy a hacer? Me dejaste... me dejaste como una paloma.

I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice, tumbling down the rabbit hole.

What do you do when even your best intentions somehow go to shit and you feel like your life and subsequent relationships are falling apart like an ancient stone building in an earthquake? What do you do when you wake up to find yourself standing in the middle of a pile of rubble that is what was once your life, love, memories, dreams, hopes, and desires? Do you rebuild, or build anew?

Consider that the building was once beautiful, solid, and strong. Nothing could shake it, and not even the most powerful earthquake could shake its foundation. Had an atomic bomb struck or nuclear war erupted, the building would be the sole standing edifice left amidst a landscape of destruction. Recently, however, the building has fallen into disarray and disrepair. The insidious seed of doubt has worked its sneaky way in and rotted the building from the inside out, destroying the foundation and all that was once good about it. The tenants have failed to keep the building clean, and it will need a lot of work to become inhabitable again.

However, the building still has the capacity for greatness. It still has the potential to be all that it once was and more. It still has the ability to defy the odds and rise again to greatness.

Knowing all of this, do you rebuild, or do you start anew? That, Hamlet, is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them.

I think that much of tonight's events stem from two main problems which, in my opinion, shouldn't have been: A misunderstanding and a good intention gone awry.

I know that over the past few days, I have posted a lot in here about what I'm feeling and whether I want to get back together or part ways and see other people. I have waivered back and forth. For a period of time, I was almost convinced that I was over her and ready to move on and start the process of building a new relationship.

I was mistaken.

Tuesday, we were so close to getting back together. Then, between yesterday and today, I fucked everything up. Tonight, I really did have good intentions. My intentions, however, exploded all over the place, due in part to a combination of past negative experiences and, in my opinion, one colossal misunderstanding which tainted everything and which wasn't discovered until it was far too late and the situation was entirely out of control and no longer salvagable, despite all of my best efforts.

Tonight, everything may be over. I have, in a pattern that is all too recurring in my life, dug myself into a hole that I will never be able to fill. My only escape will be complete forgiveness, and I'm not really sure how likely that is. I've said far too much tonight, and seriously flew off the handle for the first time in a long time. I ended up walking to Payless Shoes to cool off, which is around a mile away. That's a guess.

And to think that I had so many opportunities to avoid this incident. I could have gone to Mercyhurst with Jesse and Sage, but no, I planned on getting work done. I could have stayed at the Theatre house or gone to shoot pool with those guys, but no, I had to think that a nice gesture of reconciliation and mending long-broken fences in good faith would be a smart move. I could have ignored the situation, but no, I had to want to make a move at fixing things. May the foolishness of unrestrained and unconditional love be damned.

Why, oh why, didn't I take the blue pill?

All I wanted to do was make a move to show that I was serious about fixing this relationship and reparing problems as opportunities arise. Things didn't work out that way.

I think that one recurring theme in my life is that I can never have anything good that works out. If I don't fuck it up, it's taken away from me against my will or without my control. Nothing seems to work out, and maybe that's just life. I feel like I'm grossly misunderstood in far too many ways, which causes far too much tension and far too many problems. Maybe this is just my life, and maybe this is just my problem, and maybe there will never be a solution.

I just feel like nothing that I do is ever worth it or appreciated. Maybe it's that I'm not appreciative of everything that other people do for me. I feel like a terrible person because of some of the stuff that was said to me tonight. Maybe I am. I feel like I'm spinning out of control because of some of the things I did tonight. Maybe I am. I don't know. I try really hard to be a good person and do the right thing. So many times, though, what I think is the right thing goes horribly wrong and leaves me on the floor, crying and hoping for something better.

Is there something better? Is this it? Have I ruined it all?

Will my questions ever be answered?

Who knows.


A.